Points for children's good behaviour: a prize way to rule the roost
The development of an award system for behaviour has both bonded and amused
Candida Crewe's family
Your children reach a certain age and just as the tyranny of the nappy begins to
fade, so that of the star chart invariably steps in to take its place.
Our fridge in its time has taken on board more star charts than it has
pints of milk and I can safely say that every one of them has gone off more
quickly.
I have tried them all: general star charts and specific ones for tidiness,
homework, pacifism, bedtime and even kindness, hey ho.
Each one is put together with coloured card, carefully ruled lines and
renewed optimism. Each one lasts, tops, about four days. By the fifth day,
hopeful fridge magnets are clinging on to it for dear life.
But before long, the latest recruit, just like its predecessors, is
smothered by less demanding fridge stationery such as zombie drawings and school
nits notices. I don't think I am alone. Abandoned charts decorate almost every
family fridge I have ever seen.
I was dreading the summer holidays. In July I had what felt like about 23 weeks
of undiluted boys and no effective system to stem the mayhem.
My own inefficiency and incompetence had completely negated the rather earnest
star chart route, as well as too many grumpy cries of: "I don't care about
stupid stars or their stupid rewards: who wants to go to Pizza Express
anyway?"
What did I have in place as an alternative? Nothing. I steeled myself for a lot
of shouting
Then my husband, Donovan, and oldest son went to stay with friends in Greece for
a week. One day the hosts' son and ours were behaving badly and Donovan told
them, completely out of nowhere, that they would lose a point.
They ignored him and carried on being annoying until they suffered such a huge
loss of 23 points in about five minutes that they had to sit up and take notice.
The score depressed them, somehow, even though at that point it had no
reward/punishment context, and they stopped what they were doing and
spontaneously apologised.
And so it was our very own point system was born. Donovan and I refined it when
he came home. The High Court (the two of us at the kitchen table) merrily met
every night to work out how each of our three boys had fared that day.
(There are also generation-bonding Supreme Court sessions, when court attendance
is doubled by visiting grandparents).
Every morning the boys beg us to tell them their results.
I can't quite explain the success of our system or work out why it has endured.
Perhaps it is partly because it came about organically and was of our own making
but mostly, I suspect, because the rewards are of the boys' choosing.
I'm sure all the experts would disapprove. They are hardly modest, our budding
rock star has set his heart on a (cheap!) electric guitar and the rising rebel
wants a leather jacket and dark glasses, but visits to the local pizza joint no
longer cut the mustard.
The guitar will cost Cas 100 points but they are not easily come by. It took
nine weeks of ups and downs to get to 20. They can gain or lose points on the
turn of a sixpence.
Points may be lost for all sorts of things, including the usual peeing on the
loo seat, swearing, not doing what they're told, as well as for simply being
dull.
The children score positive ones for the obvious tidiness and - now they are
back at school - effort with homework, and so forth.
But a witty remark at lunch or charming a grown-up also counts in their favour.
Caspar, eight, was amazed when he gained, not lost, a point for pulling off a
practical joke so royally. My stepfather was eating a rather fine fish one night
for supper and found that he had sprinkled it with sugar instead of salt.
There was a court hearing and Cas pleaded guilty. He won another point for
honesty.
The boys sometimes don't understand why we've given them points but are always
thrilled. Conor, six, occasionally scores just for being cute.
Driving in France, Erskine, 10, blithely observed the contours of the landscape.
His aesthetically-appreciative father, a photographer, was so grateful his
Warhammered son had noticed there even was a landscape, he gave the astonished
child a couple of points on the spot.
The response to this was: "Oh, OK, Dad. Cool. Thanks."
This was accompanied by an expression that said: "What was all that
about?"
It's a rigorous but idiosyncratic system and that's maybe why we all enjoy
it.
Recently two fathers set up www.kidspoints.co.uk, the first
reward system for children and parents available online and via mobile phones, a
kind of cyber star chart.
It's a good idea and it's free.
In years to come we will have memories prompted by them as they'll act almost
like a diary.
Previous summers had been a severe test of endurance and at times, almost, of
maternal love. This last was the best we have ever had.
TEAMWORK
• Keep an element of surprise by giving points when the children least
expect it, for, say, pulling off great practical jokes.
• Try to stick to the system daily, or the children might lose faith,
thereby making it meaningless.
• Keep a sense of humour about it; don't become overly earnest.
• Keep a daily record of points lost and gained in a special notebook.
• Give praise and discuss any areas for improvement.
