Top Tips for Giving Your Kids
Positive Feedback
“Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.”
Harold Hulbert
Children respond to the world according to their perception and experience of it
and very often it’s not the same as your perception or experience of the world!
So this is where arguments, rows and conflicts begin because their map of the
world doesn’t fit in with yours.
Yet a child’s map of the world can sometimes make you think again and catch you
by surprise.
There’s a true story that my uncle used to tell when he was a policeman. One
afternoon he was sitting in his police van with his dog Molly when he noticed a
little girl staring at them from across the road. The little girl came up and
asked him “Is that a dog in your van?” To which my uncle replied it certainly
was. The little girl looked really puzzled and confused and scratched her head
and said, “So what’s he done to get arrested?”
It’s all about perceptions!
When teaching and guiding children it’s really helpful to step into their shoes
and socks for a minute or two and really see the world from their eyes, hear the
world from their ears and feel how the situation feels to them. As it shifts
your perception of the event or the situation and helps you be more tolerant and
understanding.
No matter how honourable your intentions are for your kids it depends on how the
message is received by your child that counts.
What you say, and how you say it, influences how well you are understood. It
also affects how others respond to you. So it’s helpful to think about the words
you use, your tone of voice, your body language and the vibes you’re giving
out.
Your Checklist: Giving Positive Feedback
• Children pick up more from what you don’t say than what you do so be mindful
of your attitude and mood.
• Have the end in mind and to know what you actually want to achieve by
disciplining, guiding, or teaching them.
• Have your child’s best interest at heart before you talk with them and respect
their age and maturity.
• Be in a positive, relaxed centred place yourself before talking or chastising
them as this takes the emotional charge out of the whole thing and keeps you
firmly in control.
• Ask yourself “Is this moving me further towards the long term relationship I
want to build with my child or is it moving me further away?”
• “How am I making my child feel cherished, especially now when they’re
misbehaving?”
As this quote from Harold Hulbert poignantly points out, “Children need love,
especially when they do not deserve it.”
• Remember to share feelings rather than blame and say things like “When you…… I
feel……. because …..”
• Always try to put forward suggestions rather than giving commands.
• Think about the timing of when you want to give your kids feedback and ask
yourself when it’s a good time to raise a topic – maybe after the immediate
issue is over, and not at stressful times like dinnertime and bedtime - strike
when the iron is cold is on a post -it note in our house !
• Hold back from hurtful words, name calling or negative references, bringing up
the past or making comparisons to your other children as it diminishes your
child’s self esteem.
• And finally ask yourself “What can my child learn from this experience?” and
get your child, no matter how old they are, to ask themselves, ”What did I learn
from this?” as this will be a far more empowering experience and useful lifetime
habit to get into.
We all make mistakes and childhood is all about are learning so be patient with
your kids.
The most important thing in life is to help your children learn from their
mistakes and to take the valuable lessons from them so they don’t keep on making
the same mistakes over and over again.
Help your kids to see feedback as something positive moving them forward into
fine tuning their life not as criticism which is disempowering, judgemental and
negative which will forever hold them back.
Teach them to dust themselves off, pick themselves up and have another go.
Sue Atkins is a Parent Coach and Author of "Raising Happy Children for Dummies"
one in the famous black and yellow series and mother of two teenage children.
She has written many books on self esteem, toddlers and teenagers and has a
collection of Parenting Made Easy Toolkits on a wide range of parenting topics
available from her website. To find out more about her work and to receive her
free monthly newsletter bursting with practical tips and helpful advice for
bringing up happy, confident, well-balanced children from toddler to teen go to
=> http:/www.positive-parents.com
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